This post risks the ire, and perhaps the wrath, of lawyers for poor, overexposed blonde sex-symbol-turned-hillbilly mom, Britney Spears, whose recent self-immolation on 20/20 with Matt Lauer was brilliantly chronicled by Robin Givhan in last Friday’s Washington Post. We test your perv patience by excerpting our favorite barbs here:

“One surefire way to nick one’s public image is to go on national television chomping open-mouthed like a shill for Bubblelicious… the mother to be appears to be unfamiliar with the usefulness of a full length mirror and the term ‘ho-gear’… serving up one’s bosom like melons at a picnic is aggressively self indulgent and enourmously distracting, unless you’re auditioning for a spread in Penthouse… It is hard to recall the last time someone as famous as Spears - without any accompanying substance abuse rumors - appears so startlingly, slovenly wretched… Spears tearfully implored the pararazzi to leave her alone. One came close to forgetting she had encouraged the attention with her provocative videos, open-mouthed Madonna kissing, 15-minute marriage, grotesquely narcissistic reality show, and second huband known for displaying the tawdry, laconic demeanor of a pimp on weed… (he recently exchanged his cornrows and sweats for a slacker haircut and sport coat, seemingly under the impression it was time to stop pretending to be Snoop Dogg).”

You can read the whole text of the article here.

Robin Givhan didn’t even stoop to mentioning Britney’s tattoos (she is inked like a Marine).

Now, on to the sex tape. First, a sex tape has been known to help many a fading career, famously Paris Hilton (whose sex tape was brilliantly “leaked” on the eve of her network TV debut), and Pamela Anderson (who sucks Tommy Lee’s monster rod in broad daylight, commenting lasciviously as she sucks it and takes the load on her face with porn star relish). Britney could use such a boost now, at her lowest moment. We are here to help.

Watch Federline bend her over till she begs him to do her again.

In this next video, it is not Federline who gets the pop star’s pooner, but tennis star Anna Kournikova. This video and web site deservedly has been all over the Internet, but if you haven’t seen it you are in for a real treat (no joke this time):

Britney Does Anna

Yes, we know it’s not real, but it’s as real as any porn, so we relish it nonetheless.

For those who crave real, check out this gruesome little video of former Olympian Tonya Harding, who is one of Sir Rodney’s favorite bad girls.

Harding made the mistake of taking her notorious rep into boxing, instead of hardcore, where she could have made some real money and truly delighted legions, reviving her career. Guess she got confused about which kind of porn to be in. If only she had consulted Sir Rodney first! Per our review, do not subscribe to Paparazzi Filth.

Finally, in all our seaching for the 20/20 video of the actual Spears interview (it not online as far as we can tell), we did find this gem, post-modern bluegrass band, Nickel Creek, brilliantly covering Spears’ hit Toxic at the SWSX festival last March. Maybe all the animal antics, porn, paparazzi, and tears are necessary to create sublimely great art today.

I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic!

Let me leave you this week with a peek (a tiny little one, at that) of Paris Hilton’s shaved twat. This is a better look than you get from her porn video, and it’s free. Enjoy.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 26th, 2006 at 11:54 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.