There’s almost too much porn in Deep Anal Abyss – two full discs, with four and a quarter hours of more or less uninterrupted fucking, is a lot to swallow. Although it says Special Extended Two-Disc Set on the front of the DVD case, it doesn’t appear to be anything more than a standard kick-ass giant offering from Evil Angel, which is really business as usual for them — no matter what, you get your money’s worth when you buy from Evil Angel. With outtakes, interviews and behind-the-scenes footage totalling well over another hour and a quarter, you won’t find too many more rewarding movies around — again, standard issue for this company.

Jay Sin is your man for extreme ass action, as far as the size of things that get put in them are concerned. He loves a big topy and a wide gape, and he loves girls that can deliver. He likes the kind of girl who seems like she could take a fire hydrant without too much extra prep. And Deep Anal Abyss is full of girls who are at least willing to try.

A complete rundown of all the action in Deep Anal Abyss would take hours and be, ultimately, pointless. This one’s all about the visceral reaction, and no amount of detailing will be able to describe adequately the moment in which Dana DeArmond relaxes for a moment and a jelly dildo the size of a Dodger dog, bun and all, just falls out of her asshole. When you see it happen, run it back and make a sound like you’re trying to keep yourself from throwing up — huuullp! — while you watch it again. It’ll crack you up. Some highlights:

Chris Charming has one of the biggest dicks around, and watching any girl take it at all is the kind of thing that makes a person either sit back and marvel at the mysteries of the universe, like the northern lights, or jack off furiously. Watching Dana DeArmond and Katja Kassin, two of the most capacious recta in the business, handle it like it’s a Midwestern housewife’s beginner vibrator is nothing short of awe-inspiring. The two of them are getting to look a lot like each other, with the red hair and the cute faces, so if you squint, you can almost pretend Chris is fucking a pair of sisters. Fortunately, they don’t talk much, so the illusion is maintainable.

Aline and Kream are a pair — blonde and brunette respectively — of sexy vixens who have transcended the realm of dick entirely and graduated to shoving really enormous toys up each other asses. Watch for the big shiny black one with balls if you want to see indisputable evidence of human adaptability in the face of outside pressure. I used to use something like that as a doorstop.

Jayda Diamonde appears to be made of equal parts marshmallows, cream, spun sugar, and crystallized, purified whorishness. She starts off squatting on a dildo that would make John Holmes feel like he should look into buying a penis pump and then takes on a regular porn cock in a scene that proves, after the giant dildo, both anticlimactic and climactic.

Adriana DeVille and Amber Rayne are both very dirty girls, with a lot to recommend them, but their scene is entirely devoid of dick and so sort of fell between the cracks for me; although both of them take some impressive toys in their asses and they perform some great tricks with a pinky jelly double dong.

I was afire with anticipation for the next scene, with Adrianna Nicole and Annette Schwarz and a penis. Marco Banderas is the lucky bastard who gets to service these two blondes, after a long tease and masturbation sequence accompanied by an unusually contemplative blues jam in which both girls get their asses ready with toys. They play together for a while, and finally entertain Marco in the style to which he has become accustomed for almost forty more eventful minutes. Annette and Adrianna are two of my favorite blondes, and they put on a hell of a show — even the girl-girl was worth the time, and I don’t often feel that way.

Get in the Deep Anal Abyss!

Tycoon Hugh Hefner has been advised to cut back on staff at his multi-million dollar glamour empire as it struggles to cope during the global economic turmoil.

The 83-year-old has been told to lay off some of his staff at his Los Angeles and New York offices as soon as this month or go bankrupt.

The company has recently seen shares fall from £6.20 to £1.55.

An insider at the company told the Daily Star that bosses had been aware of the worsening situation for “a while”.

“Only the top brass has known for a while how bad things have been for Hef recently.”

Spokeswoman Elizabeth Austin would not confirm the sackings, saying: “It is our policy not to comment on corporate matters such as employee issues.”

The news will be another blow to Hefner who recently discovered that two of his “bunnies” may have been cheating on him.

Holly Madison, who has previously been named as Hefner’s “No.1″ girlfriend, is alleged to have had an affair with magician Criss Angel and another bunny, Kendra Wilson, is reportedly dating football star Hank Baskett.

Playboy spokesman Rob Hillburger denied the rumours, saying: “The rumours that Holly left Hef for Criss Angel are not true. Holly and Kendra are all still living at the Mansion.”

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean House 2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every sixth week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsche 911 or Mercedes Estate hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother In Law, which can’t be turned off.

Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2004, it tends to delete all of Money before uninstalling itself.

Please advise ASAP Technical Support urgently required

It’s interesting to see the movies Randy Spears makes. Considering that he is one of the three funniest men in porn, Two is surprisingly not funny. Maybe he’s trying to break the mold, but I wouldn’t think he’d have anything to prove, with a string of acting awards to his credit in both dramatic and comedic roles. Still, Two is a dark piece of work, with murder, sexual abuse and schizophrenia on its slate, and nary a joke in the 110-minute running time of this psychodrama. It’s as dark as porn gets, and even if there weren’t five scenes of explicit fucking in it, this one still wouldn’t get past the Hays code. Randy’s comedic instincts are so sure, though, that I’d rather see him making comedies than trying to out-dark Paul Thomas.

As usual, there are a lot of questions you would ask if you were watching a real movie that would go unanswered, but you have to take the good with the bad in porn. Police departments can’t be expected to be competent, people can’t be expected to see what’s in front of their faces, and things can certainly not be expected to happen the way they do in the real world. Porn is striving toward legitimacy, though, and in some ways it keeps getting closer and closer, if only in indistinguishably small increments..

It’s my policy not to give away the ending of a movie that’s at least trying, so I won’t tell you what’s going on in Two, except to tell you that it’s what you will suspect it is within the first half-hour (and the first half-minute if you are particularly perceptive). There will be spots when you will want to give it more credit, when you hope that it will strive a little harder than it does, but don’t get those hopes up too high.

I can’t go too deeply into who plays what character, for reasons that will become apparent as you watch the movie, but Stormy Daniels plays two different roles in this tale of a small-town girl’s quiet life and her involvement in a case of serial murder; of the five sex scenes in the movie, she participates in three. The other two, which are more or less gratuitous, feature the deliciously strippery Carly Parker as a stripper and India Summer as a detective’s wife; neither of them has much in the way of lines or dramatic impact, but the scenes are still good.

Two of Stormy’s scenes are gloriously dirty — she plays the kind of girl who picks up guys in bars and strip clubs and fucks them in the parking lot, and that kind of random, anonymous fucking is wonderfully filthy. Sascha and Derrick Pierce both get to do her in back-alley trysts, and both scenes are excellent, although nothing out of the ordinary considering the context. If you met her in a bar, you’d do the same thing — she’s an obvious slut, the kind who gets unsuspecting men exactly where she wants them, the kind that the sort of men who hang out in strip clubs are primed for. Carly Parker plays a stripper in one of those clubs, and her scene, an onstage romp with Marco Banderas, is equally hot. She ends up riding him on stage and shoving a bottle up her own ass while he fucks her — if that’s not filthy, I don’t know what is.

The dirty sex quotient in this movie is higher than in a lot of Wicked films. Stormy’s third scene and the one with India Summer are pretty standard bedroom romps without too much to distinguish them from the usual run of Wicked one-on-one, unless you really like India Summer (I do) or Stormy. Three great scenes and two good ones is a pretty good record, though, so you should definitely check this one out if you’re a fan of the style.

Watch Two Now!

Celeb blogger Perez Hilton has leaked the news of Jenna Jameson being pregnant and it has also been confirmed on the porn starlets myspace.  Jenna Jameson and her boyfriend Tito Ortiz are expecting twins and have just bought a house on the beach in California for their now growing family. All we can say is Congratulations. It seems like being retired from working in films has treated Jenna Jameson quite well but we will always miss the old Jenna that we all came to love. I suppose this enables her to make a come back as a milf though!

Unlike most porn comedies, Wedding Bell Blues is actually funny in some spots. It’s not a laugh-out-loud gutbuster, except for, as is to be expected, the Randy Spears scene, but it’s a friendly little movie that will probably leave you with a tolerant smile. Jonathan Morgan, director of Wicked’s latest Kirsten Price vehicle, has a deft touch for the sentimental, efforts toward which can often be either mawkish or forced in the world of porn. With all respect to the assembled cast — Price, Chris Cannon, Anne Marie Rios, Nicole Sheridan, Samantha Sin, Dane Cross, Justice Young and Sean Michaels — I’d like to see what he might do with a cast of real actors. Wicked’s features are, by and large, the best in porn, but that’s not the highest bar in the world to get over. Given the strictures of the porn movie — the time that must be devoted to sex and the relatively small amount of movie left over for characters and plot — you can only expect so much, and Wicked usually makes a good effort at filling that leftover time up with material of a reasonable quality. I usually look forward to my Wicked movie each week, in a way that I don’t for some other studios’ features.

Wedding Bell Blues is the story of a bride who has sailed smoothly right up to the shore of marriage and suddenly run up on the rocks of doubt. As the movie opens, she’s having a hysterical fit, lamenting her lost life, wishing she had taken the time to do more exotic and adventurous things. She overacts magnificently, sniffling, screaming, gasping for air and generally chewing the scenery all over the place, and various characters arrive and depart in the course of telling her that it’s not that bad, and that marriage is everything it’s cracked up to be. Of course, their advice is sometimes helpful and sometimes…well, not so much.

Samantha Sin, Kirsten’s best friend, does her best to calm the raving bride down, using tactics up to and including a well-deserved slap in the face, but to no avail. Kirsten reveals that she’s terrified that life will pass her by once she’s settled down, that she’ll never get to do any of the things on her list. Like what, you ask…well, for instance, go to singles bars, or have crazy anonymous sex with a serape-wearing Justice Young in a rustic bar. She has a pretty good idea of how she wants that to go, and we (and Samantha) are treated to a delightfully graphic description of her plan for the event. It involves a lot of foreplay — more than you would expect from a dirty guerrillero in a saloon, but that’s fantasy for you — some titfucking, some cowgirl, some RCG, and a load of come on the tits.

This is the point at which Kirsten’s shrieking and weeping starts to get tiresome, just in case you were wondering if it would, and I started to wish there would be more slapping. However, Samantha departs to divert a drunken grandmother giving lapdances in the church; apparently sluttiness runs in the family, because after the cowboy fuck the lapdancing grandmother, we’re treated to a revelation from the bride’s mom, admirably played by Nicole Sheridan in her best MILF clothes — business suit and glasses, who tells Kirsten that she used to have a taste for black meat, and we get a flashback to what we are apparently supposed to believe is the seventies, in which Sean Michaels, playing the cool revolutionary Mustafa, gets him some white pussy. Turns out the revolution can wait for a half-hour, as mom treats him to some pussy eating, a blowjob, spoon, cowgirl, RCG, missionary and doggie, all topped off with a facial.

Back in whatever year we’re supposed to be in, it turns out that the point of the story was that even though mom gave all that up for dad and his adequate penis, it was worth it. A little more heart-to-heart talking with Samantha leads to another revelation, this one that she and her husband like dangerous situations like fucking a mile deep under the sea, or while running with the bulls in Pamplona, or getting it on in a park in which a mysterious killer is running loose. This is detailed in a flashback — Samantha and Dane Cross trade oral, fuck in spoon, cowgirl and doggie, and cap it off with a money shot on Samantha’s tits before fleeing the park just ahead of the machete.

As if the distressing revelations from mom and best friend weren’t enough, the priest, a role which Randy Spears mugs his way through with great delight, stops by to give some steadying advice and to reveal that in his earlier days he was something of a carefree bachelor himself. In fact — okay, this is very difficult to explain, but let me just say that if you think Randy Spears is funny, this scene is not to be missed. It eventually devolves into a regular Wicked-style scene with Ann Marie Rios as a fedora-wearing gangster, with RCG, cowgirl, missionary, doggy, a fine blowjob and an excellent facial, but along the way you get Randy in a plaid skirt, fishnet top and a wig, pole-dancing to a bass-heavy yodeling song in a Mafia whorehouse (slightly more explicit than his onstage appearance in Love For The First Time, in case that whetted your appetite). Let’s leave it at that.

An understandably traumatized Kristen sends the priest on his way, just in time for a visit from the groom, bad luck be damned. They have a little talk about how much they love each other, then prove it by (presumably after the ceremony, since there’s a little cut to indicate that some time has passed) heading to a bed and having some excellent married people sex, which is very much like the single people sex we’ve been seeing — pussy-eating, cocksucking, missionary, doggy and a facial. See - now, that’s love, right there.

Watch Wedding Bell Blues!